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Tomi Tuel
Expert Guru
Tomi is the author of, 101 Things I Learned After My Divorce, a guidebook on divorce recovery for those who suffer with Relationship Attention Deficit Disorder (RADD). She was once a new recruit in the divorce war herself, but has stepped up in rank to help pull those fallen in battle out of the trenches of Heartbreak Ridge.
Tomi is the survivor of an affair and uses humor to help those suffering through the chaos earn their degrees from the School of Hard Knocks.
Interview
What books have most influenced your life? When I was going through my own divorce I did a lot of reading about relationships. John Gray's book, Venus and Mars On A Date, probably has had the most influence on my life. Not only did it help me find my soul mate, but I was so intrigued by male/female dating behavior that I eventually did my own research which resulted in my own book, which incidentally was later endorsed by John Gray himself.
Who are your favorite music artists? I'm a product of the 80's...need I say more? But I do like some of the pop artists my kids listen to. I like just about everything except the hard-core rap. It hits a nerve.
What are your favorite websites and why? Okay, I should probably answer this with E-trade or The Wall Street Journal, but truth of the matter is I scour the Internet for research. But for a good pick me up I love to watch the telecasts on joycemeyer.org.
Where else can people find you on the web? I have a website at www.tomituel.com. Soon you will be able to find my book on Amazon.com. You can google me and find some of my articles too.
What are your professional highlights? I hold a Master's Degree in Accounting and a Bachelor's Degree in Business (Marketing). Using both my talents, I was an income tax auditor for the state of California...only, they didn't really like my creative flair for accounting. Someone once called me the Refund Queen…that’s not a good thing when you are the auditor collecting revenue for the state.
Writing my first book, "101 Things I Learned After My Divorce" was a personal highlight for me. It has opened many doors.
What advice do you have for the journey of life? I was walking down the street the other day and saw a pile left behind by a rather large K-9. A shoeprint, squarely centered, had flattened it out. It was obvious what had happened here. My generic advice in the journey of life is, watch where you are going.
What are you most passionate about in life? I am most passionate about my family. Second to that I am most passionate about helping other people keep their families. I love people and I love going to places I have never been. Lastly, I love to write.
What ticks you off? Junk mail and boll weevils.
Any thoughts or ideas on living a greener life? For those who cultivate relationships the agricultural way, the grass is never greener on the other side!
What would people be surprised to know about you? At one point in my life I weighed 60 pounds heavier than what I am now...110 pounds. I can attribute the weight loss to childbirth...well, okay partially. I have worked out 5 days a week for the last 12 years. That helped too.
Philosophy
A simple philosophy that has gotten me through a few bumpy roads has been "SW, SW, SW...which stands for Some Will, Some Won't, So What."
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3 Tips from Tomi Tuel
The Innocent Spouse - How did I contribute to my own divorce?
There is no such thing as an innocent spouse. It takes two, believe it or not, even if you are the victim of an affair. We both play a part in our own divorces, and figuring that out after the divorce is one of the hardest parts.
This "figuring it out" business comes in phases. Usually we figure it out when we are in another relationship and the same issues surface again.
But here's how to jump start the process and learn how you contributed to your own divorce. Pay attention to your communication skills and how you handle conflict. Conflict resolution is the number one indicator of whether or not your marriage will succeed or fail.
Conflict is necessary in marriage, it is how we get closer. By working through your conflict time and time again, you begin to build trust that you and your partner will have the commit to work out your differences each time you have issues. In this way, you are freer to disagree and air your differences.
Brilliant Resilience - How will divorce change me?
Divorce is a great teacher of many things.
Yeah, like how to fix a toilet all by yourself or how to hold down two jobs, while you do network marketing on the side. You'll know what it is to be the spinning plate guy at the circus. At the very least you will come to know how challenging being a single parent, trying to make ends meet, can be.
According to a review article by Michigan State University, the effects of divorce have a more permanent effect on our lives than the death of a spouse. According to the article the average person recovers from a death in seven years, while the effects from divorce can last a lifetime. Whether you believe this or not, the point is, divorce is life altering as you may well know.
But divorce also provides you many wonderful opportunities of change in life. When you look at divorce this way your life can truly begin again. In between working like a poor stiff, you will find what you are truly made of and find that inner strength within. You will get your life back in the end and it only gets better. The hard work will pay off.
Tomi's best advice on post divorce dating - What are the rules?
Wait two years before you jump into another serious long-term relationship. You need at least two years to figure out your own issues and get your life back. If you jump in before this timeframe, you are apt to pick the same type of mate and have an instant replay of a marriage that ends in divorce.
Listen up, the statistics on second marriages ending in divorces is 60%. That's right. Why, because we didn't take the time to learn enough about ourselves the first time we got divorced.
I'm not saying, don't date. I'm saying date many people, experience many different personality types those first couple of years after your divorce, then when you do meet someone take your time and be patient.
Here's why you should be patient. The first year of a relationship is full of bliss and bewilderment. You can't believe someone can be so perfect. But here's what happens by that second year. We all start to let our hair down and our real personalities begin to surface. It takes at least this long to experience some life together and see how each other reacts under various circumstances.
You are older now and your picker when you were younger was based on looks and brawn. You've been there, done that, recalibrate you picker and fine tune it with the wisdom that age has brought you. After all, what's two years at our age?
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