How to heal

In order to heal, you must let go. Let go of all the feelings of disappointment and revenge. Chalk it up to a life experience. You cannot undo the past, so let it go!

Surviving Divorce

Recently I have worked with many individuals going through a divorce. I have learned something from my clients that I believe all people going through divorce should know. Divorce is an attack on the soul. It makes us question our own value. We often ask how could someone we once loved do this to us? The answer I found surprised me. People hurt others because they have to justify what they are doing. In addition, divorce can bring out the worst in the good people. Here is my point. If you have been through a divorce or are going through a divorce realize that during a divorce people do and say things that hurt their spouse. If you can step back long enough to realize that you are a person of great worth you will have begun the healing process. Further, if you do not engage in the blame game you will also heal sooner.

Taking responsibility

Take responsibility for your role in the dissolution of your marriage. By taking responsibility you will find that you have control. If your spouse left, be honest with yourself, that you saw the signs before the end of the road. Ask yourself why you chose not to heed the warnings. You cannot change your spouse but you can change how you respond to your spouse. Work on you and you will find that you will no longer feel helpless.

Financial healing

Women often find that when they are divorced there is a decrease in their financial status. Often, women will find that they have no credit history as they were always the second name on all family credit. You have to begin to establish yourself as a reliable adult. Go to a credit counseling service, many are free, and very helpful.

Anger

You planned on spending the rest of your life with
this one person. You´ve created a life together and
made promises to each other, and now those promises are broken and you are furious! First, get good legal
representation to help you make smart decisions.
Sure, it will feel absolutely delicious to yell at
your ex and give them more than just a little piece of
your mind. Fun, but not smart. Take care of yourself
by relying on an objective thinker to help you plan
for your new life. That´s what you´ll be proud of
later.

Maintaining your routine

Try to maintain routines. Keeping to yours and your child´s daily routines for meals, homework, playtime and bedtime can help lessen the impact of marital separation on your child and you.

Holiday survival

Two words for holiday survival: Plan ahead.

Make sure that you have a plan at least two weeks before that dreaded holiday. Spend the day with family, friends, or volunteering at a soup kitchen. Take a group vacation or deliver meals-on-wheels to the elderly. Plus, there´s nothing wrong with a back-up plan or two! This is your holiday, and you can enjoy it.

Changes in your ability to parent.

Often during the early stage of separation\divorce there is a decrease in parenting ability. Joining a parent support group is helpful in regaining and reorganizing your parental equalibrium.

When the pain passes it is time to start anew

When you no longer feel angry, abandoned or ashamed over your ex and your divorce, it is time to look at the future.

Blind Dates

If someone sets you up on a blind date or you have agreed to a date with someone you have met only briefly, play it safe. Agree to double-date with whoever is setting you up, or plan to attend a special event and meet the person there. Do not allow the person to come to your home. There are far too many weirdos out there for you to take chances. Get to know something about the person first before you let them know where you live. And if they don´t take you home afterwards, the likelihood of enduring unpleasant consequences will be diminished. There is safety in numbers. Play it safe until you are better acquainted.

Building a true meaning for your holidays

If you have the children for the holidays, take them out to a place that they can help others less fortunate than themselves. It will show you and the children that your holiday is a fortunate one, and it will give the family a new sense of giving.

An area of expertise

If you are coping with parental alienation, call your local Court and ask for the list of therapists they use. This is an area of expertise that not all therapists are aware of, so look for one in a legal setting.

Giving up the familiar pain

Let go of the old pain. It is often a frightening thought to let go of the pain of your old relationship, as we do not know what lies ahead. Take it one day at a time. Start by looking for one positive event each day.

Never date strangers

Know something about a person before you agree to a one-on-one date. You can discover information through trusted mutual friends, a series of phone conversations, or by observation of their behavior if you have previously met. Agree to meet them noncommittally at school functions, sporting events, single group events, or with a group of friends. Be very careful regarding individuals you let into your life, even as friends. Be wary of anyone addicted to drugs or alcohol, who has mental or emotional problems, or who has a criminal record. You are looking for stability, not accidents looking for a place to happen. If you don´t know anything about them, stay away from them until you do. If they don´t want to wait, you are better off without them.

Taking care of yourself

It´s easy to whip through the fast food drive-thru on the way home from work. Or, heat up a frozen pizza or entree. If you´re on your own, you just don´t feel like cooking. Cooking for yourself just two nights a week--from scratch--is an important way of taking care of yourself body and soul! It doesn´t have to be a four course gourmet meal, maybe scrambled eggs and toast, an omelet, spaghetti and a baguette, or a salad. Pour your drink in a glass, use a placemat and silverware and enjoy your meal at the table. You are the most important person and you deserve to enjoy a meal prepared by someone who cares about your well-being...YOU!

Isolation

After the initial shock of separation has subsided,
one of the most suprising elements of "oneness" is
isolation. Whether you or your spouse initiated
the separation, you may find that you only have half
the friends you thought you had because people do take sides. Fair? No. Reality? Yes.

Enroll in a continuing education course, take an
exercise class, volunteer. Experiment with activities
that you enjoy, and be open to meeting new people and
making new friends...your friends.

Loverboy

You´ve been out of the marriage for a month and you´ve been introduced to the hottest guy or gal you´ve seen in a long long time. Your heart skips a beat just thinkin´ about it. Ok, you´re gonna hate me for this, but GO SLOW. Don´t make any big decisions about your life (unless absolutely necessary) for at least six months out of the marriage.

It´s an exciting time, and who wouldn´t want to be a Phoenix and rise from the ashes so quickly? Everyone would, but many have the tales to tell...healing takes time. Enjoy one another´s company, go out, have fun. Feel young again, you deserve the best. Just remember....six months.